Spring Fever

Spring is on the way.

I can feel it in the air, that slight change between frigid winter air and a touch of warmth hidden behind a cool breeze. I can see it in the length of the day and the bright sunshine breaking the steel grey of winter. I can hear it in the birds chatting in the morning so absent through the long months of winter. I can smell it in that oh so subtle tang in the air of growing things on the verge of bursting to life; the smell of grass and flowers and trees ... and green.

Yes, the smell of green. The smell of St. Patrick's Day. The sound of drunks running past our building, hollering and yipping with glee. The sound of horns honking as the endless stream of cars headed for nearby bars drive by. I suppose that's what you get for working in the middle of one of the largest concentration of bars in the city. The sound of too-loud music thumping from passing cars. The fear that your car, parked oh so innocently in the parking lot is going to get trashed by partyers who are already drunk at 2:30 in the afternoon.

You can try to ignore the madness, but it is difficult when you already have spring fever. I want to be outside. I feel like my body is expanding, reaching, trying to find the fresh air it knows is just outside that thin plate of glass called a window. I could open the window, but I know it would make the desire to be outside in the sunlight that much stronger. So, I'll sit inside, listening to the craziness outside my window and biding my time until 5:00. It might help if this pdf would export a little faster.

Obsess Much?

I'm not talking about the stalker kind of obsession, though I suppose if you could get in trouble for stalking animated characters, I might be up for some serious charges.

Spike: Stay back! I have a restraining order!

Amon: I do the stalking here, not you. And you're not Robin so I don't care. Go away.

Seishirou: I never met someone who was as good at stalking as I am. Please, continue.

Hero: I'll kill you.

YD21: Wait a minute; I never stalked you, Hero.

Hero: Zechs has paid me quite a bit of money to get you off his tail.

YD21: That blond masked bastard.

Anyway, on to the real subject of this post: obsession. And the stages one goes through when obsessed.

The Cycle of Obsession

Stage One Discovery of New (Anime/Game/Book):
"Such and such told me this was a good (anime/game/book). Maybe I should check it out."
Subject begins to (watch/play/read). "Hmm, this is pretty good. Maybe I'll just (watch/play/read) a little more."
It is now 3am.
"Wow, how long have I been (watch/play/read)ing this (anime/game/book)? Looks like I can't go any farther. Such and such only let me borrow the first (disc/book). I guess I'll just have to wait until I see Such and Such again."

Stage Two Inability to Wait for More:
"Well, Such and Such is busy until next Friday, but I have to know what happens to (main character) and (main character's romantic interest or cool secondary character). Maybe, I'll do just a little checking online. I don't want to spoil myself or anything though."
Several hundred fan fictions and really cool images later…
"I can't believe my favorite character dies! But at least I'm prepared for it now. And I now have examples of every possible pairing of characters so I'm ready for anything. I still want to know what was going on in that one (screencap/snippet) I (saw/read). I swear I saw (mysterious character) in a tutu. I just don't know why. Maybe I could find some (episodes/emulators/chapters) online too."
After attempting download after download, subject is left with nothing.
"Damn bit torrent. Don't give me that incorrect server crap! DOWNLOAD, DAMN YOU!"

Stage Three Resorts to Begging:
"Such and Such, I just have to (see/play/read) more. Can I please come by your house and borrow it?! WHAT?! You loaned it out to someone else?" Pause. "Where do they live?"
After months of waiting, subject finally (sees/plays/reads), the (anime/game/book) they have been craving.
Wipes away tears. "That was so wonderful! I love it. I wish they would make a sequel. Another sequel. An OAV? Please! I can't wait until all the merchandise I ordered for the (anime/game/book) arrives!"

Stage Four Attempts to Convert the World:
"Have you ever (seen/played/read) this (anime/game/book)? You should. I've bought my own copy. Would you like to watch it? Now!" Forces friend to sit down and (watch/play/read) right that moment.
Posts information about (anime/game/book) on website. (Draws/Writes) numerous (fanart/fanfiction) and forces others to (view/read). Joins a forum and endlessly debates with others on subtleties of the (anime/game/book). Purchases every scrap of memorabilia associated with the (anime/game/book) no matter the cost or difficulty of obtaining. Decides to dress up as favorite character for Halloween or for a convention.

Stage Five Moving On:
Many months, or perhaps years, after initial obsession period subject's obsession begins to fade.
"I still really love that (anime/game/book). But I just discovered this other (anime/game/book). It's awesome. I'm going to have to do a little searching on the internet for more info, and I've already ordered the (DVD boxed set/Japanese version of the game/collector’s edition book)."

So, the cycle continues. And lets not even get started on what happens when the subject rediscovers an old obsession. Don't know why I decided to go on and on about that now. Maybe it's because I'm currently in between strong obsessions. Most of my current obsessions are in Stage Five though I'm still working on rekindling them. I suppose I'm just preparing myself for my trip and all the new obsessions I'm sure will come out of it.

Well, enough of that for now. I don't know about you, but I have some stalking to do.

Not About Nietzsche

But it is about "Beyond Good and Evil." The game, not the book.

This game has been sitting on my shelf for a little over a year now. I bought it during my GameCube game buying craze last year on the recommendation of a friend and I fully intended to play it much sooner than I did. But, for someone who joined the platform gaming community later in life than most, I was behind the times and had a bunch of games higher up on my list of must-plays. So, poor BG&E sat lonely on my shelf among my other more loved games.

That all changed a week ago when, during the frustration of KU's continued poor playing streak, I decided to pick up a game to distract me from my basketball misery. I was immediately hooked. The gameplay, the story, the graphics the voice acting…all combined to make an awesome game. It was fairly easy and fairly short (almost too short), though it fit perfectly within the cracks of time I had last week between long hours at work, a cold that left me exhausted beyond belief and a concert I had no time to prepare for. I even finished BG&E in time for KU to turn their sorry act around and play a helluva game yesterday afternoon.

Maybe it's just because the game was so short, but I actually find I want to go back and play it all over again now. I haven't felt that way about a game in a long time. The only thing I find frustrating is that the ending left one wanting more—partially because the game was originally planned to be the first in a series. Unfortunately, due to poor promotion, a sequel is not likely to ever happen. What a bummer.

Ah well, unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to replay it for awhile. I have too many other games to finish! I'm almost done with Paper Mario 2; I just finished the section on the Excess Express and just about died from the cuteness. And I don't know if I'll ever finish the final dance battle of the first Space Channel 5. Why is it so frickin' hard? Lesse, and I still haven't finished Castlevania SOTN though I'm so close it's pathetic. I just have too many distractions.

At least my cold is getting better. It's pretty bad when you feel so sick you can't even really play a video game. And doing anything more thought-provoking than that is downright impossible. I'm glad I got so much accomplished the weekend before because last weekend I accomplished next to nothing.

You Are Number 17

“I am not a number! I am a person!”

But in this case, I don't mind so much. I'm the seventeenth person to reserve a spot on the Spring Tour at pjt! Yes, that means I am going to Japan after all (so long as three more people sign up for the trip between now and March 5th)! Of course, most of the people who read my blog already know this…

I am SO excited!!! And the fact that my number is 17 is so perfect considering it's my favorite number. Yes, I'm so excited about this trip that I don't even mind (too much) that I have a cold. I'm not sure who I should point the finger at since I've been around so many sickly people lately, so I'm just going to point a finger at all of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Look at me. Really, look at me. Can you see me yet? No? Okay, fine. But seriously, I'm popping vitamin c and cough drops like candy and coughing like an old man who smoked his whole life. It sucks. Especially since I have a concert this weekend for which I just received the music last night. Oh well, it doesn't look too difficult.

Anyway, other than that, I'm happy. WHEEEE!!!!!! I will get to see the sakura blossoms in bloom and wonder under which tree Seishirou planted his special fertilizer. I will hopefully get to see Tokyo Tower, the location of countless CLAMP epic battles. I will get to go on a tour through Square-Enix, the studio originally responsible for final fantasy—though I don't know if we're visiting the branch involved with the games. But it's all good.

Japan, here I come.

“When the hands of this watch become one at midnight, let us do the same.”

I watched the first four episodes of an old anime called Tekkaman Blade yesterday. The wonderfulous pickup line I used as the title of this post is a quote from the show's resident hot-headed flirtatious boy. I can't tell you how much this show reminds me of Robotech with its quirky characters, cheesy dialogue and familiar plot line (aliens invading earth). It even has an overly dramatic announcer who feels the need to always recap the last ten minutes of the prior episode in mind-numbing detail. Ah, I love it.

Neowolf, I hope you're reading this because you know what this means: Robotech marathon. I need to relive the cheesy goodness! I need the repetitive, corny music that somehow turns into brilliant anthems of glory when the future of the world is on the line. I need Captain Gloval with his pipe and huge shadowing hat. I need the Zentraedi with their echoing voices. I even need Minmei so I can mock her singing. And then, I need some Yellow Dancer, Scott Bernard and Rand action. I need to hear Rand snap, "Get a job!" and Scott whine in his constipated voice, "MAR-LENE!" I suppose I could even do with a little Bowie piano medly. The Robotech giddiness is already infecting me, shining like a point of light in the vastness of space reaching out to the orbit of Pluto with its fiery glow of joy. See, I'm even talking like the Robotech announcer already!

Long live the Robotechverse!

“I was in a tangent once”

Dreams fascinate me.

I don't necessarily mean just the dreams I've had specifically. I'm talking about the act of dreaming in the first place; the fact that your conscious mind is unaware of what your subconscious is doing during the night unless your sleep is disturbed or you are startled awake in the aftermath of a particularly vivid nightmare. Maybe it's the fact that I like to be in control over myself and my actions, and my subconscious is one thing I have very little control over. This lack of control really freaked me out after what happened with my dad a few months ago, because I had woken him up inadvertantly by a scream I couldn't control. But, aside from that negative side effect, I've always been intrigued by dreams.

The reason I'm bringing all of this up is because I recently read a short story by an actor named Valentine Pelka. He played Kronos in Highlander: the Series, and his story is part of a collection called “An Evening at Joe's,” a book of Highlander short stories given to me by lizalou. This particular story has nothing to do with the Highlanderverse, but I found it so fascinating I stayed up until 2am Saturday night reading it. It's a story about a man dying from cancer who has no will to live. His doctor sends him to a hypnotherapist, and though he is more than reluctant to undergo the therapy, he eventually concedes. The dream symbolism and techniques involved in the hypnotherapy were really interesting to me, and though parts of the story were undeniably cheesey, it kept me hooked.

It also brought to mind the most disturbing dream I have ever had. For those of you who have already had to listen to this story several times, I apologize. I had this particular dream a couple years ago when I was reading a book called the “House of Leaves,” and I can say with little uncertainty that the two were related. It was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had, and though it involved a lot of creepy imagery, the most disturbing part was how it ended. My family and I were standing outside of our old house (the one I grew up in) and we had this feeling that we needed to leave. We didn't know why, but it was urgent that we left before something happened, though we had no idea what that something was. Then, we heard a knock at the door. But we were outside the house, remember, so the knock was coming from inside. Then, the door opened and the entire house from floor to ceiling was filled with dirt. Suddenly, a box comes sliding out, and I realize it's a coffin. We catch it and the lid pops open and I am staring at my own decomposing corpse. Now, I did a lot of amateur dream analysis on this one, and came up with some theories that I think fit pretty well at the time, but I can't discount the fact that the creepy house from “House of Leaves” might have had more to do with it than anything.

Finally, to close, I will explain the title of this post. It's a quote from an episode of Alias titled “Conscious.” In this episode Sydney goes through an experimental kind of dream therapy created by a really cooky, druggy doctor. The quote is from his assistant, Kaya, who spends the entirety of the episode high. She says it to Jack, who replies, “How nice for you.” I almost went with, “Facon, anyone?” but in the end I decided this one fit better since it deals with dreams more directly. Luckily, unlike Syndney, I have not ever dreamt of cutting someone's hand off of fighting myself in a room full of plastic, but I have had quite a nice dream about Sark. I'll leave that one to your imagination.

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

I spent most of the day cleaning. I'm not talking about the mop the floor, dust the cobwebs kind of cleaning. I'm talking about the drag out all the crap crammed under the bed and stashed in the corner of closet and throw away those papers you still have from high school for some unknown reason kind of cleaning. The kind of cleaning that leaves you standing in the middle of the room and staring at the final pile of crap dumbfoundedly as if you only have half brain cell left . . . for fifteen minutes. Then, you realize that you've been standing there for a very long time but you haven't even blinked.

So, yes, it was exhausting, but also strangely revitalizing. Everything is in a different place and looks so organized and neat. It's exciting in some kind of obsessive compulsive, Adrian Monk sort of way. And I'm sure I will glean hours of enjoyment from this experience in the weeks to come when I need something and can't find it in the place it used to be, though I know it's got to be in a very logical place because why else would I move it except to put it in a more logical place? Unfortunately, I won't be able to find it until much later when I decide to clean again and relocate it to an even more logical place.

Anyway, it's about time for the KU game (I don't want to hear it, Math Buddha, so you can keep your comments to yourself), so I've got to get going.

The Perfect Problem

I absolutely, completely, more than anything else, HATE making mistakes. Like, a lot. Really big time. Especially when I make the mistake at work.

I am a perfectionist, though my bosses may not realize it because I…drumroll please…make mistakes. A couple of considerations: first, I haven't even been at this job—my first full-time position in my field—an entire year yet (almost, but not quite); secondly, I am the youngest person in my office by at least fifteen years; third, when I feel a lot of pressure on time constraints and perfection, my brain tends to freeze. Some people work well under pressure. I, in general, do not.

I found out about another mistake I made today.

Now, I can think of several reasons why this particular mistake was made, but I don't want to make excuses. The fact is, I should have caught it and I don't know why I didn't. Granted, no one else caught it either on the first printing or before the second printing, and granted, I picked up the project from the other designer who had been working on it before me and the mistake was originally his—

Dammit. I just made excuses.

Anyway, my point is that things like this absolutely drive me crazy. I have a hard time letting them go because I want to be perfect. I want to be the best I can possibly be all the time without exception. That's just not possible. And the more I want it, and the harder I try to achieve it, the more I slide backwards, scraping and clawing at the rocky mountain of Success in desperation. Remember how I said I don't work well under pressure? That includes self-inflicted pressure. I need to feel a measure of security and pride in my work, so I don't feel like I'm being second-guessed every step of the way. I need to prove that I can consistently complete tasks without mistakes, and, just as importantly, that when I do make a mistake—as everyone does eventually no matter how perfect they may seem—there are processes of double-checking in place to catch my mistakes before it's too late.

I'm not looking for a scapegoat. It would just be nice to know I had a little backup, a little leeway for those idiotic brain-lapse mistakes you make when you're trying to make a brochure from start to finish in a few hours and get it sent to the printer by the end of the day. And it would be even nicer to know that I'm not at risk of being treated like a two-year-old who didn't clean her room when I do make an honest mistake.

I'm not perfect. But does that mean I can't be treated like an intelligent human being?

Everything old is new again

So, here we are, in a place with the same name at a different address. My new old blog. It occurred to me that I would probably update my blog a lot more frequently if I could access it anywhere, anytime. Hence the reason I'm using a blogger account now. I think I'll go ahead an copy and paste my tiny selection of blog entries from my website, just to have them archived. And I also plan to make my own template for the blog so it looks more like my website as well . . . but that will have to wait until later.

"First" post. Check.

New Gimmick

I've been bad at updating in general. I haven't updated my fanfiction since, what, August? And it's been since the beginning of October since I've updated my website. Dunno who really checks it out other than lizalou, but whatever . . .

I've been inspired lately by yet another graphic novel I've started reading, this one by the title of "Hot Gimmick." It's quite good and I like the art style a lot. Once again . . . I'm addicted. I know. The addictions never end. But I've been dying to use this picture of Cymon on my website for something, and then I was inspired to draw a new picture of Arrowin too. Too bad I haven't been able to actually sit down and write anything new. Or at least not anything of substance. But I'm working on making a handy dandy character reference at the moment which should be . . . well, handy. That way all my facts will be in one place instead of on twenty million different slips of paper in different places, or somewhere in 500 pages of writing. Too bad most of that writing sucks. Well, it doesn't totally suck, it just sucks in comparison to my writing style now—or at least it doesn't fit with my style now. Plus the plot and characters and world itself have changed over time and I need to clean things up a lot to make everything consistent. So much work. And none of it lucrative. Not that I care about that, though it would be nice to get paid for it. And yet, I probably wouldn't enjoy it so much then. What a dilemma. Not really . . . I'm just bored.

I did get an order from homestarrunner.com last week which was fun. A Trogdor messenger bag (with majesty), Bubs t-shirt and Strong Bad Email DVD's. Plus, I got a freebie "StrongBad Sings" cd—very enjoyable. Everyone needs to hear the full version of Trogdor and The System is Down.

On a more serious note, last Wednesday was a SCARY day. Or, I suppose I should say Wednesday night—or technically Thursday morning. I woke myself up thirty minutes after I finally fell asleep at 1:30am, screaming bloody murder. I don't remember anything about the nightmare which prompted my scream, but it must have been terrifying since my heart was pounding so hard it hurt and I screamed loud enough to wake my parents up. My dad came down to check on me, and then he passed out. I didn't know what was going on except that I heard a noise like something breaking and dad wasn't responding to me. I went to check on him (I had been in the bathroom at the time) and he was holding his head and moaning. He wouldn't respond to me at all, not even when I started shrieking his name at more an more hysteric volumes. Mom heard and came running when I started screaming for her in an equally hysteric voice. She didn't think dad was breathing when she came down to check on him—by that time he had fallen completely silent and wasn't moving. I called 911, but he had regained consciousness by the time the ambulance got to our house. He was okay and didn't need to go to the hospital, but it was still REALLY, REALLY scary. I hope I don't have to go through an experience like that again—at least not for a LOOONG time.

Nice to Meet You, Good to See You

How did I not discover the extreme sugarshock cuteness of Card Captor Sakura before now? I've had a sticker of Kero-chan on my cell phone for, oh over a year now …and yet I didn't fully appreciate it because I didn't understand how incredibly cute he really is.

I knew I needed to see some of the show/read the manga after getting addicted to Tsubasa so I would know more about the characters' origins. I just didn't know how addicted I would get. What's with me and getting addicted to the really kiddy shows? Well, not all of them. Just CLAMP-made kiddy shows, I guess. Reminds me once again that the CLAMP School boys had better show up in Tsubasa! I need Nokoru, Suoh and Akira in all their cuteness.

Anydangway, I'm also addicted to Alice 19th now too. I am definitely in a "filling up the inspiration reserves" mode right now. I went through a long "cranking out creative stuff" phase, but my creative tank ran down to empty; hence my inspiration gathering process of the last few weeks. At least, that's how I justify my recent addictions. Where was I? Oh yeah, Alice 19th. It's been awhile since I've been addicted to one of Watase's creations (Ah, Fushigi Yuugi) but this story has completely sucked me in. She has definitely improved her art style over the years, though I can see hints of Tamahome and Koji in Kyo, and hints of Tasuki in Frey. I really like Frey, yet I can't decide if he's my favorite--a dilemma which surprises me considering his quirkiness and his physical similarities to a certain fiery seishi. Oh, and the bunny's cute too. Though now bunny can be as adorable as Momiji. But there I go bringing Fruits Basket up again.

For any fans of my WHR fic though, I want to share that I have been writing. It's just taking me a little while because of all of my distractions lately, and because of the long break between writings, I want to make sure it flows with what came before. Sorry for the long wait, but I want to make it worth it!

Fruits Basket Isn't as Fruity as It Used to Be

What the frell is up with Akito being a girl? My vision of evil though feminine bastard with shonen-ai tendancies has been shattered. He is now a she. I just don't know how to react to this knowledge. I mean either way, he-she is still a bastard. But now I don't feel as creeped by his-her fawning over the Juunishi boys. And yet I'm still creeped… Such conflicting reactions.

And really, how many more gender surprises can we get in this series? Not that I'm complaining really. It's an awesome anime and an great manga series. I'm just very freaked about recent developments…

I just picked up some graphic novels on sale. The new Tsubasa is out! And it was incredibly cute as expected. I want more xxxHOLiC though…Picked up another manga called Aria. It doesn't have a whole lot in the way of interesting plot so far, but it's pretty and inspirational as far as exotic locales go. The main character really reminds me of Tohru though (which is fitting after my whole furuba thing up there).

I also watched the Here is Greenwood OVA yesterday, and it was a lot of fun—old school style. And Nuriko's voice actress played the character with a questionable gender…again. But I got all weepy because I didn't realize how much I missed Nuriko! Then I got all nostalgic about Fushigi Yuugi…and now I'm thinking about Twelve Kingdoms again. I WANT MORE!!! Spoilers ahead:There wasn't nearly enough of Keiki, King En or Enki. Not to mention the Tai folks . . . I really want to know what happened to poor King Tai and Taiki. Well, we know where Taiki is at least. But hot white-haired, red-eyed, dark-skinned Gyousou? Where or where is he? He better not be dead or someone's going to get a severe beating. Oh, and I forgot Rakushun. I missed him too. Need more . . .

So, basically, I'm suffering from a complex multi-directional obsession with a variety of anime and manga. And I'm not progressing on my fanfic. You can whack me over the head now. I don't know what my deal is, but I know that forcing myself to write only results in uninteresting, blah-ish drabble. It will flow when it flows.

So you found my blog… It must be “Hitsuzen”

What is Hitsuzen, you ask? It is "A naturally foreordained event. A state in which other outcomes are impossible. A result which can only be obtained by a single causality, and other causalities would necessarily create different results." Maybe I've just been reading too much xxxHOLiC by CLAMP. It's a very interesting manga…you should check it out if you haven't already. There I go giving out free advertisement again. But hey, if it's for the CLAMP ladies, I don't mind.

For those of you who know me and characters from my story (the big ass long one, not the fanfiction--wait, the fanfic is also now big ass and long), you might be wondering why Cymon is on this page given that he would probably hate blogs with a passion. Perhaps it is because I tend to externalize a lot of my sarcasm and cynicism through him. Or perhaps it is because, like Kynda, I simply like to annoy him and cause him pain by associating him with something he would hate. He's just so much fun to annoy…

So, there you go. My design teachers would be proud. I have a concept—sorta. And justification—kind of. Hell, that little explanation was almost as good as art history bs.

Now, how about a little explanation for this website's name? I know you're dying to find out just why I gave it such a redundant name, and why I chose to spell grey that way (at least you might be wondering that if you're American). I heard you when you first opened the page, after all. "What's all this brouhaha?" you asked. "What's it all about?" Well, I have a question too. Why did you say "about" in a Canadian accent? Or maybe that part was just in my mind…

Regardless, the answer to all of your questions is "yes."

At least "yes" is the answer if you ask a Vorlon. But since they can be rather cagey, elusive creatures, I will elaborate further. Back in drawing class, I worked very hard to achieve lots of what I liked to call "grey shadows" in my drawrings. Some sophistimicated people like to call them chiaroscuro, but that just sounds so stuffy. I'm not really sure when or why I coined the term "grey shadows" in the first place, but I do know that somewhere along the way Sam Gamgee got involved and made his position clear on the matter. He popped right out of the Lord of the Rings and into a parody a friend and I were writing, proclaiming his love of grey shadows. Considering our parodies also included many college basketball players along with a variety of Final Fantasy characters, Mr. Gamgee's appearance isn't so strange.

Finally, as if the answer were not already apparent, my spelling of grey was also due to the story of Sam Gamgee's origin and the spelling used in Tolkien's beloved books. If my website were a wizard, it would be more like Gandalf and less like Saruman. Although, I suppose I should specify that I'm referring to Gandalf the Grey here, not Gandalf the White. Not to even bring up the whole "Saruman of the many colours" thing.