Lessons

I had a dream the other night that I was at a flute lesson. I haven't taken flute lessons since high school, but in my dream it was as if I had only taken a break for the summer and had started flute lessons again along with school—though I did comment in my dream that it felt a lot longer than just a summer. I don't remember a lot of details about my dream, in fact it seemed rather ordinary aside from the fact that it was out of date, but it definitely brought back emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I love music, and I definitely loved it back then, between participating in choir and band in school and Youth Symphony, Wind Ensemble and Flute Choir outside of school. I took flute lessons and voice lessons and competed as a soloist. Looking back, I wonder how I had the energy for all of that—or the time. Of course, back then I had few friends, so socializing took up little of my time.

Anyway, so in my dream I was sitting at my flute teacher's house and we were talking before we started the lesson. I would always try to prolong this part because I really enjoyed talking with my teacher, but also prolonged it because I often failed to practice as much as I should have. I scraped by most of the time on talent I guess, because I could have been a lot better if I had been more dilligent about practicing. But anyway, there were many times when I felt like my flute teacher was a mentor for me in ways beyond music. Always calm, always thoughtful and supportive, Dr. Johnson was often a therapist for me as well as an instructor. I admired her a lot, and now that I think about it, I would say that she was a bit of a role model for me. I can't say I have become anything like her, but I certainly always respected her and looked up to her. She was so elegant in everything she did. Her handwriting was immaculate, she always paused before she spoke and carefully considered her words (a habit I certainly could use a little help with). She was classy and eloquent, and an excellent teacher as well.

So, enough gushing. The question is: why did I have a dream about her? I think I have an idea. I'm feeling a little lost right now, a little confused on my direction in life. All my life I've worked hard, and reaped the rewards of that effort, but there is only one area academically that I would continuously fail. I excelled in music when I was a big fish in a little pond. I even excelled in slightly bigger ponds. But when the pond got too big, when I was asked to perform at an even higher level, I would always reach a point where I crumbled under the pressure. A point where I began to doubt myself. I knew I could do it, but I would doubt myself at a critical moment and drop the ball. And now, I feel like I'm doing the same thing. I'm at that point in my career. I need to reach that next level, but it feel's like climbing a sheer cliff. I'm trying so hard, but there comes a time when it's not about effort anymore; it's about confidence and believing in yourself and pushing yourself beyond your boundaries and overcoming obstacles.